I hesitated at writing this blog post, mainly because of its sensitive nature, but I feel sometimes you need to reach out and let people know how you feel.
Depression is a word that many of us now are fully aware of and what it means; but I still feel people don’t fully understand the effects of what people who suffer from depression go through on a daily basis, of course we all get the blues, we all suffer from stress and struggle with what life throws at us, but getting people to really understand the loneliness and the terrifying feeling that consumes you time and time again, is almost impossible to achieve, unless you have been there. For over 15 years I have suffered from depression, probably longer if you delve deeper into my life, but it really came to light in the past 8+ years, my life was and still is amazing, I am surrounded by the most beautiful people I could ever dream of, and am loved without any judgment, of course I have all the stresses of work, cashflow, mortgage, etc etc, but underlining all this, below the surface lays a dark matter, which for years I called my shadow, it was the dark place which always seemed to have a hold of me, sucked the joy out of everything, destroyed my confidence, took away my hopes and dreams, its like you’re been slowly poisoned, you struggle for breath and your chest feels tight, its one of the loneliest places in the world, and no matter what people say or do, you’re on your own, and it hurts, believe me when I say you go to the end of the world, where you literally don’t have anywhere else to go, this is how I felt on a regular basis, there wasn’t a day went by that I didn’t feel it, I would be temporary distracted by friends/family or by work, but it was always by my side (my shadow).
Over the last 6-8 months, since I started delving deeper into food and nutrition and pushing away the alcohol that numbed me from the depression (well temporarily anyway) I started to see a different side of me that I haven’t seen in a long time, its like that cloudy miserable day feeling, then the sun comes out, I started to see glimpses of that hope again, not majorly, it wasn’t a miraculous healing, it was just hope, that I still exist and that I do have something to offer, it sounds crazy, but when the lights are turned on, when all you have had is darkness, you really see for the first time, what life can really be like. Unfortunately, the problem with depression is, it takes an overwhelming amount of stamina and belief to push yourself towards the light, it sounds a bit theatrical and almost biblical but when you have lived in that world for so long, a glimpse of what its really like is quite astonishing.
I have a long long way to go, but for now, with the way I am eating and the lessons I’m learning from how food is nurturing, the way it can change your mood and the power the gut has over the mind, I’m very excited about my future, and I’m inspired to push myself further with exercise and learn all the ways I can improve to live a healthier and more happier life.